Racing Thru the Pain

Once I finalized my study abroad plans, I fell right back into some frustrating routines. My heart was taking over my life. Paperwork, classes and internships became monotonous, and my escapist self was looking for somewhere else to go. Well, at least there was a break...


Spring break came and went real fast and I didn't do much more than work. Ever since I turned 15 I have had this voice in my head that says when you work a lot, you can get a lot of money, and with a lot of money you can do great things. Well, it's true- most of the time. Because with a lot of work, you have less time- and that time could be used toward other things in your life that you just may not be able to do because you have to go to work. Hm. Just a thought.



The continuation of my spring semester was one of many tumultuous events. I was working hard with my radio reporting and definitely refining my skills of writing, performance, and editing. Once April came I knew I'd be just fine this semester with grades and there was nothing to stress over.



Only a few weeks before the Broad Street run my body was feeling a bit stressed and it expressed itself through pains in my knee. I had trouble running and couldn't train before the race. I was left doing simple exercises and hoping that my body would stay in good shape- enough to make it 10 miles. The most important thing I had to remember was to keep my health in check. Because I'm a vegetarian, I had to make sure I was getting enough protein and supplementing with iron and vitamins. Running tears at your body and if you're not healthy enough it can really bring you down. I stocked up on a lot of peanut butter, whole grains, Kashi cereals, Luna energy bars and packed in the fruits and veggies...


May 3, 2009- I couldn't comprehend that after four months of preparation the race was finally here. I was fairly nervous, however I managed to get over it once I got to the starting line and had no other option. The one thing that worried me was the question of whether or not my knee would hold up. I knew that I had to push my body to new limits and make it down Broad Street regardless of anything and anyone. The weather was wet and damp- not the greatest for running with an injury, but it motivated me to reach the finish line faster. Throughout the first 3-4 miles my friend and I stuck together and ran at a 10-minute mile pace, however Mother Nature called and I had to make a stop at the closest YMCA. As my friend continued to run ahead, I made my stop and headed back out to now run the race alone. I had six more miles to go and I was not backing out. The crowd around me was insane and supporters lined the sidewalks on Broad Street. I got into my zone. I focused my attention on finishing. I blocked out other runners around me in order to ignore the pain and exhaustion my body was experiencing. Each mile felt like 10 miles and when I got to City Hall I knew I was more than half way there. I couldn't wait to reach the navy yard. I remember the tingly feeling in my shoulders and the loss of feeling in my hands. There were a few times I had to pull back and take it easy, but it wasn't only a matter of 30 seconds where I would speed back up and get back in the race. I asked many runners beside me what mile it was and how much longer we had, but each time I got a different response. I laughed to myself and just kept going, but there were a few times where they told me only a quarter mile longer and I would speed up a little and it ended up being another mile...I wasn't laughing to myself then...

As the finish line drew near, I dropped deep into my zone of mental concentration and thought about all that I had been through these past five months, the pain that I felt, the early morning training sessions, the career I had as a runner in high school- just things that had all pushed me even more into this race. I finished. I put a kick in my step and I finished. My feet were crossing the finish line and I was able to relax. I finally stopped moving my feet when I met up with my friend to congratulate him. We were so proud of one another. I found out that I beat my goal time of two hours...it felt so rewarding! One hour, 41 minutes was my time, WOW!
One of the proudest days of my life...honestly.



The weeks and the days flllew after the race...I was still in pain from running and once my muscle cramps subsided, I still had pain in my left knee. It was a different kind of pain- one with substance to it and worth getting checked out. I ended up getting an x-ray and MRI, but nothing was wrong with it! How could it just be stressed...maybe my whole body was just stressed.

Throughout May a sort of gray cloud hovered atop my head for some reason...many reasons actually- mostly having to do with my heart.

However, I managed to finish the semester quite successfully getting all A's and making myself proud. I couldn't believe it but when I saw it in writing it was definitely a lifetime dream come true for both me and my parents.

I had such a confusing and introverted spring semester. It was ruled by my heart while my mind was just busy trying to make sense of it all. Guys had got me down and trying to decide between them wasn't so easy. The more I thought about it the worse it got because the questions felt no where close to being answered....

I just wanted the semester to end so I could start the summer and situations would change and I would have some time to breathe and give myself some space...

My knee was still inflammed and I was feeling pain but even more prominent was the pain within my heart.

Thought of the Day...

"Cease looking to conceptual definitions to give you a sense of self. Cease looking to thought for identity. When you fully accept that you don't know who you are, you actually enter a state of peace and clarity that is closer to who you truly are than thought could ever be."
--A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle

Full speed ahead...

I focused much of my attention on planning ahead for the summer. I went through weeks of research and decision making accompanied by full out frustration. I didn't know what I wanted to do! I had an idea that I'd take summer courses, but when could I fit in some vacation time? I looked into Study Abroad programs and tried to see which would best suit my academic schedule.


First I went with my desire to visit Greece, so I looked into a program there. Than I realized that I had declared a minor in Italian, so why not study in Italy. I must have spent three months just trying to piece parts of my life together. Let me tell you- it was not all that exciting. I just waited for some sort of epiphany and some sort of mini revelation to push me forward.

It came to me right before my radio news reporting class. I had just spoke to my friend who got accepted into an LA internship program and I found myself really upset and jealous at the fact that this was now going to be her second "study elsewhere" program and I had yet to do one! My reasons were financial ones. I try to be an advocate of the old "money isn't everything" saying but really when it comes down to the specifics, money is something that needs to be considered. I took it to the extreme and decided not to study abroad just because of money, but I realized that was not a good enough reason.

I am young and in college and this is basically my last summer as a college student. Why would I not take advantage of a study abroad program? The opportunity to live in another country, take classes and live the college life only comes during these prime years of one's life. This was my time to experience it. Money could not stop me.

So I got to my class, hopped on a computer, and called up Fairfield University that had a fantastic program available in Florence for the summer. I had already applied to the program a few weeks back but I decided to cancel my application because I felt overwhelmed by the program cost. Now that I was experiencing this grand epiphany, I felt the urge to call and reapply to the program. For some odd reason the lady I spoke to remembered my name and just so happened to have my application on file. I had to send a few other things, but really it just fell into place. It was odd and I felt it was exactly what needed to happen. I was ready to commit to this program and study abroad this summer. Exactly what I have wanted to do for quite a loooong time...

It seems things worked out too fairytale- like for me right? Well, sometimes life works that way. There were a lot of sleepless nights and deep conversations with friends and family trying to weigh the pros and cons of different things, so I'd say I earned a peaceful resolution to deciding how my summer will work out. All I had left to say was full speed ahead....

Unexplainable Occurrences...

The title basically explains it all.

Beginning a new semester this spring, I could never imagine the things that occurred. It's incredible how fast things happen in life, especially when you're so tied into daily routines. Well, my daily routines had gone out the window once Winter Break came along.

I planned on taking a trip somewhere. Anywhere. Maybe Canada? But that didn't work out once I heard of all the snowfall and cold weather they were experiencing. (Mind you I do not fair well in cold weather). But there had to be somewhere else I could go just for a week or so. Unfortunately, I never found that place because the only place I found myself was on campus; working. Yes, I was working but Winter Break was a great opportunity for me to earn some extra cash and maybe put it toward my next attempt at taking a trip out of the city.

The one thing my friends and I kept looking to was spring semester. We knew that 2008 was a rocky year for each of us, but the high hopes we had for spring helped us focus our attention to a brighter 2009.


Well brighter it sure was! The sun was shining on America the day Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th President of the United States. What a great way to start off the semester! I remember sitting in the student center at school alongside friends, classmates and people from the community. I don't think there was one person in the room who wasn't smiling.

With my heart and mind filled with thoughts of opportunity and compassion, I moved forward with the semester knowing that big things were going to happen.

I was back in the groove of classes and extracurriculars, especially with my radio show and my Resident Assistant position. Yea, this year has been quite busy as I'm working more than four jobs but really only getting paid for half of them. I enjoy it though. I honestly couldn't imagine my life without having something to do every night or someone to help or another idea to come up with. My mind is constantly going anyway, so why not put it to use. Here is a taste of my week: Monday: workout, radio show, work, class, meeting #1, meeting #2, homework, sleep
Tuesday: classes, homework, meeting, prepare for show, program, sleep...so by Friday one could understand that I have not only accomplished a lot in one week, but have also worked my brain to the max. That is where my yoga and meditation needs to come in.

I made it a goal for this spring to meditate at least 20 minutes a day. Simple right? Well, I started off quite well and than things didn't go as planned, however new ways of relaxing found their way into my schedule in the form of running.

Running has been a huge part of my life for the past five years and to get back into the training zone felt invigorating. I was excited to wake up early three days a week to train and it was partly because I had a goal to reach. A friend and I had signed up for the Philadelphia Broad Street Run. Yes, I was going to run a real-time race! I mean I had run races during track meets in high school, but never have I registered myself to run an official race. I had four months to train my body to run 10 miles. I had no doubt that my mind wasn't strong enough to endure that mental strain, however it was my body that suffered at times. My knees weren't so strong, so I paid careful attention to any pain I'd feel while running. I did my thing and waited to see where it took me...

I distinctly remember sitting down with my best friend before the spring semester started to discuss the past and what could happen in the future. We both had had anxieties about our prospective careers. There were times where we'd break down in tears and find comfort in the fact that we had potential to do great things and all that we believed in could be applied to bettering the conditions of the world. Also, there had been some issues with relationships for the both of us.

Relationships were adventurous for me, as well as for those around me, but for some reason I always felt I would be stuck on never-ending roads of struggles, heartache, and confusion. I longed for freedom and peace of mind. But no matter how much I tried to push things aside, love always finds its way into my life.

When you let something go, especially something that you love, what does it mean if somehow, someway it finds its way back to you or better yet you find your way back to each other? The confusion I thought that had subsided only heightened as days passed and new situations arose.

Oh boy. My heart was so entangled in emotions and no matter how many times I tried to focus on myself I just got caught up in my feelings again. It's all a matter of living and learning and feeling and figuring out and deciding what is really right. It's not an easy task to do and I've come to learn all the questions can't be answered or cleared up in a day, a week or even in a month.

I found myself listening to my heart and my inner emotions. The heart is such a complex thing that I associate myself with all too often. But I don't think its so much a bad thing, but maybe something that makes me too vulnerable. I've grown some tough skin through the years and it has only made me a better person, so I'm going to leave it as something that just makes me, me.

I now realized that in no shape or form can I predict what will happen in the future. When we sat down to discuss the spring semester, my friend and I had no idea what we'd be facing in the road ahead.

Times were different now. Things that once seemed impossible and unreachable somehow became realities with a drop of the 2009 New Year ball.